parenting
- Less sleep, especially early on
- I will develop a larger capacity for love
- If I do it right, I will slow down and see the world through a child’s eyes once again
- Life will become less flexible in some ways - not able to disc golf as much, trickier to go into the office for work, etc.
- My wife and I will need to unite around a common goal in a way that we really haven’t had to before
- Less time to myself
- More laughter
- Really more of all emotions. I think life will become more vivid and intense, as long as I lean in
- More walks (I am really excited to use the fancy stroller we got 😂)
- Less of an aversion to grossness. Getting accustomed to changing dirty diapers and getting poo/pee on myself
- More wonder and awe
- More prioritizing family. It is easy to dive into work and get consumed with projects I am working on, but I think it will become easier/more important to be giving myself to my family
- Less self-centeredness
- Less screen time (This will not magically change on its own, but I will be focusing on this. I do NOT want to be the dad that has his face in his phone while his daughter is wanting to be seen by him.)
- My WHY will be strengthened. I will have more purpose and conviction behind my actions.
- The burden of responsibility on my shoulders will be increased
- He loved me
- We had so much fun together
- He was goofy and embarrassed me in school
- He was my example for following Jesus
- He showed me how a good man should treat me
- He could beat up all the other dads 😂
- He was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on
- He got out of his comfort zone to try things I wanted to do
- He didn’t raise his voice at me unless he had to keep me safe
- He loved mom
- He encouraged my interests
- He taught me right from wrong
Proverbs 22/31 Good name > great riches. Train a child well and they will stay true into old age. The borrower serves the lender. Get rid of a mocker, and discord stops. Children tend towards folly, but discipline leads to knowledge. Whoever oppresses the poor will in the end come to poverty. Don’t befriend wrathful people. Don’t borrow more than you can afford to borrow. One skillful in their work stands before kings.
Reflections on Fatherhood
Below are some thoughts I typed up the morning before my wife was induced for our first child. I recall feeling especially reflective that morning, and I was trying to prepare myself for what was ahead (note: I was/am still unprepared, but I’ve managed to figure things out on the fly so far).
2023-07-05 Thoughts on the Day of the Induction
Soon I am going to be a dad and my wife is going to be a mom. It is strange how major change can be right in front of my face, and yet it is hard to believe that it is coming. But how will things change? How can I know what change will be like before it has made its way into my life and started to rearrange things I once cared for? Will I be sad at losing things? Certain freedoms? Or will my values and beliefs be changed?
It feels more like the latter, but I have no idea how that will play out. I think I will miss some freedoms from before having a baby, like getting sleep whenever I want, but on the whole, I think this will be a good change and I am really looking forward to it.
Here is what I think will change:
Someday when my daughter describes her dad I hope she will say:
Reflections
Now that I my daughter is over 5 months old, I’m impressed with my past self that most of his predictions were pretty close. I’d like to reflect on some of what I got right/wrong.
Will I be sad at losing things? Certain freedoms? Or will my values and beliefs be changed?
It feels more like the latter, but I have no idea how that will play out.
I have found it to be true that my values have shifted some. It was not such a big and dramatic immediate change as I had expected, but I have not felt sad about losing any freedoms from before my daughter was born.
I will develop a larger capacity for love
I’m not sure if my capacity for love is larger or not, but close moments with her do hit differently. Baby giggles or moments when it is just the two of us looking into each other’s eyes make my heart so full.
If I do it right, I will slow down and see the world through a child’s eyes once again
I am still working on this, and I want to do this more. I think I will be forced into this soon, as she will begin crawling in the next couple of months, so I’m going to need to put my baby cap on to identify all the hazards we may still have on the floors.
My wife and I will need to unite around a common goal in a way that we really haven’t had to before
Yes. Having a baby has been very uniting, but also brings about a number of disagreements over strongly held opinions on parenting. So far, we have centered around “safety” as our tiebreaker to determine which opinion we should go with when we can’t come to agreement through talking about it. It is interesting that so many of our opinions are rooted in our own childhood experiences, so in a lot of our disagreements it is more important to empathize with each other about past experiences than to rationalize about the current situation. When we empathize, we both tend to feel much better about the approach we decide on. The core to all of this is a mutual understanding that we are on the same team, and we both want the best for our daughter, even when we are coming at it from different angles.
Less time to myself
Finding time for me has become much more challenging. The only alone time I’ve found has come early in the morning, before the girls are awake. Surprisingly though, changing diapers in the middle of the night has made it easier to get up early. It has been very refreshing for me to get up around 4:30 or 5:00, make a warm cup of coffee, and then either journal, read a book, or work on a personal project. I’d like to incorporate more exercise into my “me time”, but the time feels so short and I’m having way more fun doing stuff like writing this post. I know I will feel so much better if I just suck it up and do the exercise though, and I can find ways to be fast and still have time for the other things I enjoy.
Really more of all emotions. I think life will become more vivid and intense, as long as I lean in
When I can keep myself free from attention-grabbing distractions (looking at you, phone) and I can focus my whole being on time with my family, this is true. I have found that I am still just as prone toward distraction though, and while I get distracted with flashy colors and noises (YouTube), the color in front of my eyes slowly sucks the color out of life around me. I feel grayer and duller when I am giving into distractions. It is sad that this numbing has become the norm in our society, with so many of us getting off of work and going straight to TV, phone, video games, you name it. I think my disclaimer “as long as I lean in”, holds true here. I need to constantly check in with myself to be sure that I am leaning in.
More walks (I am really excited to use the fancy stroller we got 😂)
This has saved me from my lack of a workout routine. What I didn’t account for, though, was how much I’d be walking around the house carrying the baby. That is a workout in itself! I don’t think I’ve gained strength in my upper body, but my endurance is way higher now that I am carrying a baby all the time.
More prioritizing family. It is easy to dive into work and get consumed with projects I am working on, but I think it will become easier/more important to be giving myself to my family
This has not come automatically. I’ve tried to do this, but I have to really work for it. Work issues can seem so urgent, and personal projects can feel so much more fun than changing diapers. I must patiently remind myself of the value of being with my family when other things are constantly pulling at me. This value is realized on a scale of years, or even decades, when my family will be able to look back and see how much I loved them, even in the little moments. This perspective is hard to have when so many other things feel like they need my attention NOW and I could see results on them right away.
The burden of responsibility on my shoulders will be increased
This sounds so serious and heavy lol. Yes this is true, but I haven’t felt weighed down at all.
Someday when my daughter describes her dad I hope she will say:
I won’t be able to reflect on the real-life outcomes of this section for another 20+ years. But all of these hopes are still true. I was emotional as I wrote it originally, and I am emotional again thinking about this. It really all boils down to: I hope she feels loved by me, and I hope she reciprocates it. It feels scary to think that one or both of these could not be true in 20+ years. But I get emotional thinking about how joyful I will be if both are true.
All in all, being a dad has been awesome. I would do it again, but not anytime too soon. Right now I am perfectly content with just having one daughter and learning how to love her well.